Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Spanwich explained!

Let's just clear up the "SPANWICH" thing. It was WAY funnier when I first told the story to Annie, and now....it was too long ago. Sorry kids. The long of the short of it is....I get on my flight from Atlanta to Phoenix...(the first time that I wasn't RUNNING for at least 3 miles before barely making my flight in ATL)...so I get on....I'm an aisle....my total preference btw, and I have a seat between myself and sleeping Mexi. WHICH, is NOT said in any derogatory fashion, so get off your righteous horse, he was sleeping, he was Mexican....those extra 4 letters of "ican" are much too much for me. Moving on. So...at the last minute, this big, tall guy gets on....and he's squashed in the middle with us. I failed to mention the part where we were in the EXIT row...which translates to more leg room, less booty room. He squeezes in, WITH his CHINESE food, and proceeds to confuse himself. Um...somewhere? He missed the memo about CHINESE food and EASE? So, I grabbed his food away from him, which at first, was a dangerous thing-never come between a man and his food, and quite frankly, it startled him, but really, it was driving me crazy...he was like a circus act juggling his food, belt, bag, etc. You can think that I was thinking of him, but in reality? I don't look good in noodles. So....he settles...I give him back his food, he is now grateful for me, it only gets better folks. So now he's trying to eat, and saying outrageous things like..."I can't believe they let me on with this!". You'd expect him to have a knife....or a kitten...or something else! But no...he's talking about his food, which, now? I'm kind of in disbelief myself! (Those of you who have brought on Chinese food on a plane? I won't apologize for offending you, in fact, I'm going to forgive you for having done it...don't do it again. Suck it up and go hungry, get a burger, or do the "Annie" and eat your Clif Bar!-And yes...Clif Bars are now officially on the packing "list" and in the MP bag) Moving on...he's a mess....I pull out his table for him...of which? He had no knowledge. No, not that he didn't notice me doing it....he didn't KNOW it was an option! And why wasn't it on the seat in front of him. Sir, we're in the Exit row....to which he says..."wow...you know a lot about planes, you are like an expert...". Incredible. And while YES, I do know a lot about planes, as Popsicle is a pilot, and so is my brother? It's also my mode of transportation to work....HOWEVER....all I did was show you where your table was. Some sort of alarms should be going off like mad in your head right now....like...THIS GUY IS IN THE EMERGENCY EXIT ROW????? So here we go...the "flight attendant" (I still like stewardess better...and it's the longest word able to be typed with solely your left hand), anyway, the F.A. comes over....and proceeds to ask the question, you are in the exit row...are you able to help out in the event of an emergency? I say yes, Chinese eater says yes, the 3 to my right...they say yes....here's where the title come into play. Sleeping Mexi wakes up to say..."Que? Que?" And I close my eyes...have an interior battle with myself....self loses, and I say to the F.A. "do you want me to translate?" She says no, as he can't sit there anyway. Oh...okay....so now, here is my prob. I've already scoped my surroundings....I know that there is this huge black guy, he was, sitting up and to my right, and before even Chinese Eater, I thought, wow...he should sit here, he's pretty tall, but then I didn't know how much booty room he needed. Please, be aware that is more leg room....less butt room....I LIKE butt room! So I was eyeing him to switch....so now back to the situation.....F.A. has to move Sleeping Mexi....so then BBG (Big Black Guy) says something like nah...I need the leg room...and at the same time, F.A. and I say...."actually, there is more leg room"....his eyes light up and he says REALLY? Side note? It's like his 2nd time flying ever....yeah....put him in the emergency row. SO....he is next to a girl....I say, are you two together? He says yeah, and I say fine, why don't you two sit here, and Sleeping Mexi and I will move, I just scored more butt room....HERE IS WHERE MY TRIP WAS OVER. I was on the aisle...so I got out first....this now gives me an CENTER!!! NOBODY likes an CENTER...NOBODY...I mean unless curled in between Clive Owen and George Clooney....so I get the CENTER....and S.M. gets the aisle....ARGH. So I sit down....smile at the girl next to me.....and avoid the GRIN from S. M. So...F.A. now gets in my face, and says, can you explain to S.M. what just happened? OUTTED for my Spanish. So I explained...S.M. didn't care...he DID, however, care about the fact that I spoke Spanish. Yippee...I'm sure we can talk the whole way now? To which...I turn right? She doesn't speak English either, THUS? SPANWICH (the act of being between two Spanish only speakers)....she's from Central America (which translates to Carrie can't remember which country it was) and she's visiting America for the 2nd time in her life and she doesn't speak English. Her Spanish, however, was audible, and legit...unlike...S.M. WHO STARTS NAMING FRUIT! Yes...that's right....he starts naming fruit in Spanish. Clearly, since I speak it, I must only know the frutas? Tengo ningun idea pero....he ended on Papaya. Praise the Lord. I have to give you a quick version now, as I'm pretty sure it was the worst flight of my life...people wise....as there was one from Denver to Billings where I thought I was going to for sure meet Jesus sooner than later! Moving on...praise God for iPods...and I mean that...100%. Thank you Kevin Swayne for making me want one, Curtis for buying me one, and Brian for upgrading me....and simply Mr. Jobs for making them. So....I have that on...more as a deflection...to which S.M. had NO regard....I also resorted to sleeping. MIND YOU...I was SUPER involved in a book from the last flight...but the iPod warded more than the book, and AND...I had some video to watch on my iPod, but NO WAY would I do that with S.M. in my grill. EVERY time the F.A.'s would come around....S.M. needed to talk to me....it started with "Como se dice jugo de manzana?" I say...."Apple Juice"....we practice...he's ready to go. F.A. gets to him, asks him what he wants to drink? He says..... he says..."AGUA"...IN SPANISH!!!!! I have nothing more to say. So...let me not forget that before we even took off...was the "do you travel a lot?" from him, and I say "a little", and he says....I travel a lot, and proceeds to name every state he'd been in, and cities....I'm not totally sold on the fact that he didn't think "Chicago" was a state, but whatever. So then he asks me what a do for a living....argh....I don't want conversation....but I say "guia" anyway, amazingly? HIM TOO! I'm so sure...but then he launched into something else....and realize that he didn't have all his teeth, his Spanish was atrocious (yes, I'm a snob, and trained by experts, and in Spain), but I had NO idea what he was saying MOST of the time. So..the trip goes on....misery....I sleep a little...and mind you? Girl/Chica on my right? Doesn't sleep? Can't....she says....and wants to talk...and I'm so lucky that I can sleep....etc. So I feel her eyeing me, like I shouldn't sleep, so I can talk her off her ledge. Now, here's a problem...I would have TOTALLY relished in talking to her, practicing my Spanish, etc....HOWEVER....S.M. is a lurker (ha ha ha "lurker"-maybe that's a story for later) anyway, when I habla with her? HE LISTENS...too intently. Moving on....we land...welcome to Phoenix Sky Harbor-land of free WiFi, In-N-Out Burger, Cacti, Schugs, Christies, Kellums, Easts, Casson, and ANNIE! So...I'm now JAZZED to be out of my SPANWICH, and JAZZED to be here...to be picked up by my Annie. So...I'm "free"....and getting my luggage....and I FEEL someone behind me....IT'S HIM! And unfortunately, in my nature of being safe in my environment, my looking around? I caught his eye....to which clearly CLEARLY means, talk to me. Duh. He comes up to me....and in the end? He needed to make a phone call....were there phones. I'm like...I'm NOT ON DUTY!....but I am on duty....ALWAYS on duty for Christ....and I remembered that then...though not in spirit...but I looked around....found the phones...and pointed him. He then pulls out a handful of coins....NONE of which were American. I see my bag now....and I'm actually borderline creeped out...so I say...Credit Card....he says oh....didn't like that answer....but walked away a little....I was, in the end, polite, but very glad that he walked a little...so I could promptly run away to the other side of the belt...retrieve my bag, and run like mad outside....only to have the thought in my head that he is going to be out here too.....so I starting texting "GET HERE NOW" to Annie...and the big red van!! So you'll have some closure? The girl from Central America? Had like 10 people meeting her...so she was fine....and happy, and didn't need me. I like her. So, thank God....Annie pulled up, before S. M. came out to say "Adios". And that...my "amigos" is what a "SPANWICH" really is.

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